Starting over from nothing is painful. It’s probably one of the worst things I’ve experienced in my life which is saying something considering I’ve gone through stage four cancer and two babies in the NICU.
Starting over was worse.
I spent a good 18 months isolated and withdrawn, licking my wounds and feeling pretty sorry for myself if I’m honest. I processed a lot. I sought help when I needed it. Spent time in the hospital with severe PTSD. It’s been rough.
And yet, God is so good. He sent some beautiful more mature women my way to speak life into me right when I needed it. Women in their sixties and seventies who listened to my woes and smiled knowingly.
“You’re so young Meggan. Younger than you think.”
I didn’t feel all that young. I turned forty last year, wasn’t I supposed to be so much further ahead by the world’s standards? This wasn’t the time to have to start over.
But they, in their experiential wisdom, were able to share that they too had started over; more than once. One of them even lost everything in her fifties and had to declare bankruptcy. She’s now happily retired and doing quite well.
I’m forty, yes. But I’m also only forty.
I still have time to make even more mistakes and I have plenty of time to rebuild. I’ve learned a lot about myself in the last two years and some of it was much uglier than I expected. Childhood wounds kept me in a pattern I desperately needed to escape and for the first time in my life, I might actually be moving on from perpetually looking for a mother figure to take care of me. Life as an adoptee can be challenging and when people hurt us, the wound is practically irreparable. Practically, but not completely.
If you’re in a place where you feel like you’re running out of time, I pray my words are a lifeline to you. You’re younger than you think. Many people have had to start over and they survived. You, (and me), will too.
P.S. If you’re not in my private community yet, feel free to jump in!