Last week I was a speaker in Waco Texas at probably one of the most beautiful events I’ve ever attended. There was so much healing, so many tears, such joy and camaraderie among these incredible women who came. The thing is though, I almost didn’t go.
Even though I was speaking about healing and the importance of giving ourselves the grace we need in order to truly thrive, I didn’t want to be “seen” by anyone because of my weight. I was embarrassed and that shame almost caused me to miss out on such an impactful and beautiful experience.
Thankfully I decided a couple of days before I left that I was going. I was determined to love and accept myself exactly as I was and gave myself permission to be seen by these women and frankly everyone else I came across during my travels. Something really special happened when I made that decision and instead of worrying about how I looked all week, I just held space for myself. I showed up authentically and poured my heart out to these precious women and found a heart of understanding in my best friend Lauren. I was able to just confess the reasons why I hadn’t wanted to go and how I was going to focus on just loving myself and making that my top priority.
I have spent so many years beating myself up for no longer having my seventeen year old body. I’ve given birth to three children and gone through cancer and two emergency c-sections. My body has been through a lot and yet I judged myself so harshly for my “failings”. Somewhere along the line I believed several family members words and actions that only thin people deserved love and respect. Because I was loved when I was thin and harshly judged when I gained weight. (Toxic much?) But I never held anyone else to those standards. I only condemned myself.
That all changed last week.
It wasn’t a conscious choice by any means. I didn’t make some kind of public declaration. I think I finally just came to the end of myself and decided that I did deserve to be loved and I mostly deserved to be loved by me—no conditions, no exceptions. Just love and acceptance.
I was hosting a Q&A in my private signature course yesterday and I put on one of the shirts I wore at the event last week. I did a complete double take in the mirror when I saw how it fit. I immediately pulled up one of the pictures that was taken in Texas just to compare and I was shocked. It’s only been a week and somehow I look like I’ve dropped 20lbs.
The best part is that for the first time in a decade I just noticed it instead of letting it validate me or my worth as a person. I am loved and accepted at 230lbs and at 150lbs. My worth is not dependent on my size. It never was. I guess I just needed to accept myself unconditionally and unapologetically before I could actually begin the process of healing physically.
I share all this in the hope that it will resonate with even just one person and if that’s you, I hope that you begin the journey toward loving yourself exactly as you are with no strings attached. You are worth it.
P.S. I’ve changed my private Facebook group and it’s now called The Creative Solopreneur Sisterhood! I run it with my bestie Lauren da Silva and we are supporting our fellow creative solopreneurs on this beautiful journey. Jump in here