Lately I’ve been on a healing journey like never before. I’m giving myself all the grace in the world. I notice my triggers with compassion and curiosity instead of with judgment and shame the way I used to.
Something I’ve noticed on this journey is how much of my need for healing stems from my childhood. Harsh words spoken to me by my parents, terrible things that happened to me when I should have been supervised but wasn’t…that kind of thing.
As an adult I can see how broken my family members were.
I can recognize the burn out and how much they were just barely hanging on. The wounds and scars from their childhood are still with them today and sadly, there is no interest in healing. “Not at this age. I am who I am and I’m not changing now.”
What I’m recognizing in my life is that I want to leave a better legacy for my kids. I want them to start adulthood on better footing than I was able to. I’m not blaming anyone. Goodness knows it’s not fun to reach back into my childhood and deal with each trauma one by one. But I do it so my kids won’t have to.
I’m not a perfect parent despite the assumptions I made in my twenties. (Once upon a time I was a perfect parent. Then I had children. The end.) I’ve made mistakes, choices I later regretted, and have had moments I wish I could take back.
I’ve also admitted when I messed up, asked for forgiveness, and committed to being a better parent. I believe that starts with working on myself so that I don’t pass on the same dysfunctions I was raised in. It’s just like on a plane when they tell you to put your mask on first so that you can help the person next to you. My kids are the people next to me and if I can find a way to heal from my own childhood then my hope is that they won’t have to heal from theirs.
The things that have happened to me aren’t my fault but healing from them is my responsibility.
So kids, I love you and I commit to healing so that you won’t have a filter of trauma you see the world through. I’m healing so you won’t have to. And I pray that it helps you go further than I could have ever imagined or hoped for.
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